The Unexceptional
10 Embarrassing Things Everyone Has Done At Least Once
CALIFORNIA -- September 2 2023
In this hilariously relatable list, we go over 10 things everyone has done that when we think about it we want to smack ourselves in the head.
10. Oopie Woopsi In the Bathroom! Starting us off at number 10 is shitting on the closed lid of the toilet! You know the familiar feeling. Turning around, pulling your pants down, sitting, pulling our your phone, and letting nature takes its course. When you are feeling done you go to wipe and oopsi! You hand hits the toilet lid. You look down and realize what you have done. Woopsi! You just shit on the lid of the toilet! You never lifted it up! Shit is smashed between your butt cheeks, legs, balls, and the toilet lid. It smells awful! Ugh, so embarrassing! What's more embarrassing is this isn't the first time this has happened, except is it the first time it has happened at a job interview. You start to scramble, wiping yourself off. It's clearly not going to work and you tell yourself 'You are going to laugh about this someday' in an attempt to maintain control. It's really starting to stink like shit in here. The smell is probably so bad they can smell it out in the hall. Toilets have sitting water for a reason, they trap and contain the stench of human shit and this time there is no barrier stopping your waste particles from rapidly and radically spreading through the air. It's unbearable and during your attempt to clean yourself up you got shit on your pants and a little on your belt. You get completely naked to avoid spreading the contamination any further. You've amassed a large pile of used toilet paper in your clean up process. In order to dispose of this, you portion the paper into 3 separate clumps, and start the process of flushing each portion one at a time to avoid a clog. You pray to Jesus H. Christ himself that no one will notice you flushing 3 times. This one is a classic. We lay in bed and the memory strikes us out of the blue, the memory of the stench still deep in our minds. Oh well! Live and let live I say.
This has been 10 absolutely hilarious and embarrassing things we have all done at least once.
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CALIFORNIA -- November 19 2022
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George W. Bush Reflects on the Invasion of Iraq
TEXAS -- Septemer 11 2022
"We never did find those WMD's" said former president George W. Bush, who asked me to call him 'Dubb-yah' after arriving 15 minutes early to our 2:00 PM interview. I sat down with him this September 11th weekend to get his thoughts and reflections on his challenging time as president.
"I was with those kids, teaching them to read, well I wasn't teaching but I go and shake the teacher hands you know, tell them they are important. Next thing I know, secret service agent says to me that a second plane hit the second tower. I just remember thinking, we are going to find and arrest whoever crashed those planes."
"A lot of people didn't want us to invade Iraq. I don't understand why those people hated the young men out there dying, fighting for freedom in Iraq. You know almost 7,000 US troops were killed in Iraq? And for some reason these democrats didn't want us to send them there. Makes no sense to me."
"My good friend, Paul Bremer, Bremer the reamer we call him, hehe. He is also into painting. I've been painting since I left the office."
I directed Mr. Bush back to the topic of Iraq.
"Oh right, well, that's why I brought up my man Bremer. I had some great moments as president, the pitch, 'watch this drive', the shoe dodge, but Bremer has that epic moment where he goes 'ladies and gentleman, we got him'. You know, he had said the same thing to me on the phone a few hours earlier he goes, he goes, 'Mr President, we got him'. And I go 'Who? Your date?' hahaha, ah man we both had a good laugh."
"But I will say this about Bremer, I went to his website to see how much he was charging for his paintings. Not gonna let Bremer the Reamer sell his art for more than me. And on there he says that he was a diplomat that served in Asia, Africa, Europe, and the US. I guess he just gonna leave out the fact he oversaw the invasion and occupation of Iraq? What the heck Bremer. I mean, Iraq doesn't count as Africa does it?"
I asked the president if he would do anything differently if he could do it all again.
"Like time travel? How would that work? I would know everything I know now? Well I would probably invade Iraq right away, like, right as the towers are coming down we are launching the invasion of Iraq. They wouldn't see it coming."
Jeremy Napkin and the Grocery Cart Index
MICHIGAN -- October 18 2021
In a study released by Terrance Philips Hospital in Quincy Michigan, Dr. Jeremy Napkin has discovered that 90% of all people are completely zonked out of their minds and have no ability to have empathy or respect for fellow humans. The peer reviewed double blind, partially deaf, study reviewed humans ability to do anything at all and found overwhelmingly they were unable to do so. Dr. Napkin, a specialist in human behavior has been studying the idiocy of humans for 15 years, revealed test results last week in a paper that he says "No one will even read, because that's the point. Did you read it?" Napkin's study was a series of tests and measures of human competencies. Napkin established indexes that he claims can be used to measure the empathy and intelligence of communities. Napkin and his team then gathered data from cities throughout the United States including uptown New York, downtown New York, and Williamsburg.
"We kept thinking the data was wrong. Eventually we realized human beings as a whole are dipshits."
One such index, Napkin's break through measurement he claims can tell you how empathetic and intelligent humans are, is the Grocery Cart Index. Napkin and his team measure how many humans return the grocery cart to their storing place in parking lots. "We kept thinking the data was wrong. Eventually we realized human beings as a whole are dipshits." Napkin says, adding "It's so simple. It takes just a few seconds to do, but most people just toss the cart into the dirt next to their cars. Even when stores have collection areas further out in the parking lot, people will just leave the cart in the empty parking spot next to their car." The only logical explanation, according to years of analytical analysis of analytical data analyzing analytical results revealed the results Napkin ended up getting. Dr. Sarah Tissue, who oversaw the study as head of research at Terrance Philips hospital, cross validated the data with her own studies of the human brain and modern reward drivers. "Dr. Napkin is right, I didn't even read the paper. As he and his team collected the data, the answer became obvious. We are dipshits too."